And the answer isn't Samsonov.

This is a post about many things. But first, a riddle: What comes from Russia and looks ridiculously attractive when sprayed by a spray-bottle? If you answered Igor Ulanov in the new playoff video, then you would be correct.

I went to tonight's game with high hopes. It was my first ever playoff game. It was also The 60-minute Detroit powerplay, or some might know it better as "Fans become downright pissed off and start throwing so much debris onto the ice that the booming voice has to remind people not to throw stuff onto the ice, which prompts people to throw beer onto the ice." Then the cops came out. Yes, that was some of the worst officiating I have ever seen. And the crowd didn't like it. I was excited at the beginning of the game when the screen said that Tarnstrom wasn't dressed...but then it said that Ulanov wasn't dressed either. Not that I expected him to be, but there's always that little glimmer of hope, deep within my blue and copper soul. I don't think Ulanov would have taken three penalties.

I liked looking at signs at the game. Some I can remember: "CBC: Chelios Beats Children," "Manny's Playoff Legacy: Being Outplayed By Roloson," "Chellios [sic], Smellios," and plenty talking about frying wings in oil. There was a drunken Vancouver fan in front of us who was loudly cheering for the Oilers, but was in tears by the third period for some reason. He was endlessly entertaining with all of his antics, including his inability to unfold his chair...or to not order beer.

In other news, I appear to be growing playoff eyebrows. Unfortunately they're not very impressive because they're blond and you can barely see them anyway. Also, I'm incapable of growing a unibrow. But I haven't plucked them in a really long time.


One of the things that I find endlessly amusing is how people find our nice little corner of the internet. We've had people searching for a Mike Morrison Fan Club, a Raffi Torres fan club, a Hockey Beer Fan Club, pictures of Dvorak, Pronger and Horcoff, questions regarding the sexual orientation of Shawn Horcoff, a French Backstreet Boys Fan Club, Curtis Sanford and...a Todd Bertuzzi Fan Club. This last one came at a time when I found a second picture of Bertuzzi attempting to take out Ulanov. Here at the Unofficial Ulanov Fan Club we're not big fans of Bertuzzi. In fact, we dislike him so much that we search the internet for pictures of him being a prick. Ok, ok...this may be a legit hit. But hands off Ulanov!

Ok, I'm going to go and try to wipe off the last of the blue and orange paint off of my face (because showing up to a playoff game without it should be illegal), but seriously. Next up: excerpts from our noble attempt.

An Alternate Hockey Universe

Inspired by the April 11, 2006 post found on Covered in Oil, I have dusted off the ol' Sega Genesis to play NHL '95 (pictured at top, obviously). These were the days where the electronic EA Games sportscaster, a certain Mr. John Shrader, decided that the Winnipeg Jets had an advantage over the Oilers. Deliciously enough, these were also the days when Igor Ulanov played for Winnipeg.

The first time I played after my 5 year hiatus, Winnipeg was pitted against Hartford. Every time Winnipeg's 5D got the puck, he would try to score. He failed at every attempt and got two penalties instead. It was devestating. The second game I played, The Oilers were against The New York Islanders and Boris Mironov took out Ray Ferraro for five games. That will teach him for ridiculing Ulanov and his missed shots. Unless that was Kevin Quinn. Then, on behalf of the 1995 computerized Boris Mironov, I apologize. Anyway, now I'm playing an entire season at the expense of my relationships. Because in this world, Ulanov plays every game.

Back in the real world, however, the Oilers have managed to make sure that we will see a game five. I'm a much bigger fan of Playoff Roloson than of Regular Season Roloson. Excuse me while I go gaze lustily at my playoff tickets.

Better Than Chocolate:

This is a blurry photo I took of the Edmonton Journal on Tuesday. It's the list of the scratches from the previous night's game. It's a list on which Mr. Ulanov is not. I'm still riding high from that game, and I tell you there's nothing like this to help get rid of the exam time blues. This, my friends, is better than chocolate.

Go forth into playoff action!

Pronger and Bergeron get one gold star apiece

for resting in the last game. This of course enabled the real gold star, Igor Ulanov, to shine.

Ulanov halted (although probably briefly) his stint in the press box at 22 games. Judging by the way he's been treated this season, I highly doubt that we will see him in the playoffs. Once the smile finally leaves my face, I will become upset again. I did savour every minute that I saw him on the ice.

The game was great. It was nice to sit back and not have to worry about trying to make the playoffs. Our team was infested with young guns who played their little hearts out. Murray scored his first goal of the season, which was nice to see. Ok enough of that.

Ulanov took the first penalty of the game for hooking, which meant that he got some close up shots. He played his game much more offensively than I'm used to from him. And I liked it. What I did not like, however, was Quinn or Ferraro's (I have difficulty telling the difference between their voices) way of ridiculing Ulanov for missing the net the same way twice. The man is still a machine. A rare gem. Rare gems deserve massive amounts of ice time.

So MacTavish clearly responded favourably to the letter-writing campaign (watch for excerpts of these letters in a future post). I'll bet that he was going to play Pronger, but then read our three letters and completely changed his mind. Yes, the pen is mightier than the sword (or "penis, mightier that the sword," if you'd prefer to have a nice laugh about Celebrity Jeopardy! on SNL). Truth be told, I was originally planning to gather an army of sword-wielding soldiers to launch an attack before I thought of the letter writing campaign. Ok, this post is horrible. I sincerely apologize.

If you rest them, he will come. And he will bring his "A" game.

East: 1, West: 0

Perhaps MacTavish did something right...you know, with this changing of lines business. Or maybe the players were all carrying their lucky Igor-Ulanov-autographed pucks in the game tonight. Whatever the reason...THANK (non-denominational) GOD!!!!

Anyway, you can find the following hilarious little piece here. It made me "lol", as those hell-bent on ruining the English language tend to say.

Originally Posted by sunny mouhammed
Breaking News -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Oilers Get Their Apology, Canadian Press
After hours of deliberation on The National Hockey League's War Room in Toronto, Ontario, NHL Officials have decided to give the Edmonton Oilers a sincere heart felt apology. The Oilers organization are extremely pleased. "I'm very happy with the apology, it was very well written, and they seemed extremely apologetic" said Oilers forward Mike Peca. Officials agreed that Edmonton can hold on to the written apology, and once they collect 5 original hand written apologies for 5 missed calls by NHL officials, they can trade those 5 apoligies in at any NHL Licensed Memoribilia Shop in North America and they will receive a free "My NHL" T-shirt.

There is no confirmation as to which Oiler will get the shirt, but early reports indicate that Igor Ulanov beat out Raffi Torres in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors that also caused a lot of controversy. "Igor made a bomb out of his hand, and I told him it had to be rock or paper or scissors" Torres said, "but he said in Russia, the bomb beats everything, even scissors."
-------------------------------------------------

In other news, I call Craig MacTavish "gach, kling-on for worms," for not playing the Russian Defensive Grand Master. I've never seen an episode of Star Trek, but I have partaken in a game or two of its video board game edition. Those were the days.

I will place you in a stasis field.

Who said there are no heroes anymore?

Well well well. Is it that time of year already? The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming. Love is in the air. Love of Russian hockey players that is.

The illustrious team that brings you this blog (and by team, I mean the Prez, and that other guy who posts once a month) are now modelling this year's hottest fashions (and by hot fashions, I mean free beach towels and three-dollar suit jackets) whilst drunk. The only thing that could make these pictures better would be Mr. Ulanov himself, going for drinks with us.

I hope everyone sent their letter. I know I did.

P.S. You will always be my hero, Igor.

Hours of Operation

Please note that the fan club offices will be closed Wednesday due to the fact that 100% of the fan club executive will be at the U of A beer gardens. I will be giving out free hugs that day.

I was asked the other day when the fan club executive elections are held. The answer is never. We're an authoritarian regime.

Yvan Cournoyer reminds you to eat 5 to 10 servings of fruits and vegetables per day. Especially Sunkist fruits.

The fan club needs YOUR help!!!!!

The regular season is drawing to a close, my friends, and the delicious Mr. Ulanov has been bringing enough love to the press box. It's time for change!

I propose we conduct a letter writing campaign to Mr. C. MacTavish, asking him to play Igor. We must bombard him with letters pleading the case. One of two things will happen:
1) He won't read the letters at all, or at least not before our last two home games.
2) He'll read the letters and ignore them.

Anyway, folks, we're running out of time. Their last game on the road trip is on Tuesday in Detroit and their second last game of the season is on the Thursday. Precious little time. I'm aiming to have everyone (meaning the three people who will actually do it) get their letters in the mailbox by Sunday. Let's get 'er done!

A few guidelines:
1. Be polite. Leave your thoughts about MacT's coaching deficiencies outside of the envelope. Making him angry won't get us anywhere. The same goes for 1984 faux pas.
2. Don't trash the other players. As useless as I find a certain pair of D-men, it's not the time or the place.
3. If you don't love Igor, pretend you do. For our sakes. List many reasons for your wanting to see him play.
4. No threats.

So that's pretty much it. I will be forever grateful to you if you participate!

Craig MacTavish
c/o The Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club
11230-110 st.
Edmonton, AB T5G 3H7

Hey Ma, we're famous!

Since our lengthy fifteen minutes will expire tomorrow, I thought that I'd better point this out right away. Maybe now everyone will drop their naysaying gloves and join in the Ulanov fandemonium (now that they can see that all the cool kids are doing it).

So the Oil was robbed of a precious point tonight. It's a shame too, because they played well (I admit that I slept through some of the second period...Minnesota's playing style tends to have that effect on me...however Don Van Massenhoven was in action tonight). Each game I cross my fingers that maybe there's a slim possibility that a certain Igor "pain doesn't hurt" Ulanov will be in the mix. Every night I am disappointed. I'm organizing a letter writing campaign (but that will come in a later post).

It's late and I can't think of anything witty to say. I'd like to send thanks out to the blogs that have increased our fan club readership though. So Covered in Oil, mc79hockey.com, Loxy's blog and My brother's blog, we thank you. Also, to VUE Weekly (where these tasty little hockey tidbits appear on page 12 of this week's issue), I want to have your newspaper-human hybrid babies. Although while other children catch chicken pox, ours might be more prone to catching fire. But seriously, it's much appreciated and it made our day here at the fan club offices.

It's called an overhead camera. Jerks.

On the subject of no hair

This sort of thing shouldn't be encouraged, unless it was for a good cause.

In other news, I went to Rexall to see The Oilers spank Phoenix. With a meat tenderizing malet. And Roloson made 33 saves. I was witness to something that may never happen again.

This team is missing the good old Krasnokamsk charm. Let's bring it back.

On the subject of facial hair

Greetings, fellow fans! It would appear that Sergei isn't the only Russian Oiler to be fond an occasional beard. I found the first bearded Ulanov picture here (you will have to scroll down to find it), but because of the copyright I wasn't able to save it. Before I found the second picture, I was just going to draw on a beard to give everyone the idea. I think we're all glad that things didn't have to come to that. Anyway, take a look at the link. It's clear which Russian is capable of growing the mightier beard. For those of you who know either of my brothers, it would be like comparing their ability to grow facial hair with that of the late (ra! ra!)Rasputin (or Bowell, if you'd prefer a Canadian example). I wonder who is Russia's greatest love machine.

If you were lucky enough to get tickets to tonight's game, wave in the direction of the press box for me.